As if parenting children and teenagers isn’t complex enough, the monumental rise of social media has presented this current generation of parents with a new raft of challenges. Parents must reckon with restricting, delaying or understanding their children’s use of a technology that they themselves did not grow up with. And so as many as two-thirds of parents, surveyed earlier this year, welcome the upcoming social media ban for children under 16. But it could create a new set of complications.
“We’re getting kids off their very entrenched routines, so that in itself is a huge challenge, says Dr Jo Orlando, the author of Generation Connected: How to parent in a digital world.
For parents of children who are facing having their social media access restricted, the road ahead may be complicated. But experts have advice on how to navigate the shift emotionally, and practically.
Teens ‘just want parents to listen’
Prof Lelia Green from Edith Cowan University stresses that, although parents should stay informed, it’s not their job to keep up with the technology. Rather it is parents’ responsibility to keep channels of communication open.
Others agree. “If a teenager is stressed about the upcoming ban, parents should focus on listening without trying to fix the situation or justify the ban,” says the Raising Children Network director, Derek McCormack. “Often, teenagers aren’t expecting parents to fix things – they just want them to listen.”
It also helps to understand the challenges young teens face – these years are a rollercoaster of hormones, brain growth and mood swings, as well as growing independence.
“When you’re a teenager, your life is all about your friends,” Orlando says. “They’re so important because that’s part of child development.”
A teen’s life is full of drama, she adds, because “that’s just where their brain development is up to”. She says one parent disclosed that her 15-year-old teenager has been crying about the upcoming ban every night. The girl is inconsolable, thinking she is being unfairly punished. Orlando has received letters from teens expressing concerns such as not being able to continue learning guitar on YouTube (although it’s still accessible without an account) or putting artwork up on TikTok for feedback and validation.
The ban will create a hole in many teens’ lives, and it’s important for parents to be on their side.
First, they can acknowledge and empathise with their loss. Asking open-ended questions is a good start, says Dr Kristy Corser, a research fellow with Digital Child at the Queensland University of Technology. “And hear them out because this is a big change for some children – all families will, of course, be different and it’s OK not to have all the answers.”
This could start with chatting with them about the legislation and how they’re responding; whether they are, for instance, downloading content or getting friends’ phone numbers. Ask how their friends are planning to stay in touch. This may be an opportunity to talk about things such as private networks and different servers and platforms. You could also help them brainstorm alternatives, says Orlando, like using WhatsApp, Signal and Messenger for group chats.
If they insist they’ve got it all sorted, Green recommends reassuring them that if anything goes wrong, you are here to support them.
The next step is to keep the conversations going. Having more challenging conversations while engaged in other activities, such as eating dinner, walking the dog or driving, can be effective. “It’s sometimes easier for parents and teenagers to communicate when they’re looking ahead at the road,” Green says.
Orlando suggests opening a conversation by mentioning something related that you’ve read or seen online and asking for their thoughts.
As well as creating opportunities for open communication, Green suggests exploring new or existing activities teens might enjoy with family or friends. For instance, camping in the holidays, getting out in nature, sport, art, games and other activities they might enjoy.
Setting clear boundaries
Healthy boundaries are important. For technology, says Green, it might include developing a family technology plan and instilling a habit of keeping all connected media out of all the bedrooms.
“Most of those practices work well when kids grow up with them,” she explains, “but they’re hard to put in place at a time when they’re going through a rebellious stage.
“So [with regard to the ban] my feeling would be don’t do anything you aren’t doing normally, because otherwise the kids will blame you as well as the government.”
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The parenting author and psychologist Justin Coulson has developed a model called “The three Es of effective discipline”. The first E is explore: “Where are the kids up to? What are they thinking? What are they doing, and why are they doing these things?” Second is explain: your expectations, your boundaries and why they exist. Third is empower: “Say, I get where you’re coming from, you get where I’m coming from, how do we come up with a solution here that’s going to work for all of us?”
Although they won’t admit it, Coulson says teens still appreciate rules they can fall back on.
“When kids are having a rough time, it’s really great for them to say to their friends, ‘my parents said I have to go home early from the party’; it’s an easy way to save face.”
Coulson advocates to minimise sanctions, which can be ineffective and unhelpful. “They tend to disrupt relationships and push unwanted behaviour underground.”
But he says parents may need to step in when collaborative approaches break down and say, “OK, I need to be the parent here. I need to take that away from you; you’re just not doing the right thing with it.”
‘It doesn’t take parents off the hook’
Coulson worries that the social media ban may offer parents a false sense of security about their children’s online habits. “I’m concerned that too many parents will think they can take their foot off the accelerator, that they don’t have to worry because the kids are now taken care of from the screen’s perspective,” he says. “Nothing can be further from the truth.”
Aside from the expectation that many teens may manage workarounds to hang on to accounts on banned apps, children will still be able to use games, messaging apps and platforms that are not on the list of age-restricted apps. “If the platform is not on the age social media delay, it does not necessarily mean those other apps are safe for teens,” Corser says. “So I wouldn’t say it takes parents off the hook.”
And we should not underestimate the capacity of tech-savvy kids to get around these things, Green says. “It’s a question of whack-a-mole,” she says. “In the same way that very few young people use Facebook, because it’s old person’s media, they’re going to start using other social media and dark web channels to communicate that are not affected by the ban.”
So parents need to remain vigilant about the risks children face online, including bullying, exploitation and grooming by adults, which they often find hard to talk about. “They could be dealing with life-changing threats by themselves and they don’t know who to turn to,” Green says.
It’s important to stay alert to changes in mood or behaviour that indicate that young teens and children may be having adverse experiences – either in these alternate online channels or in real life.
If parents can’t reach them, they could try enlisting the help of a trusted relative, friend or older sibling who the teen might confide in, Green suggests.
Children can also be supported to seek help for themselves. Green suggests putting age-appropriate helpline and advice numbers, such as Kids Helpline or Beyond Blue, in plain sight like the fridge. “If a kid is mooching around the house at 3am in the morning, trying to get things sorted in their head, they may try one of the phone numbers.”
