Our 11-year-old daughter is in a “friendship” with a classmate, which we have come to realise is unhealthy and controlling. She was very shy and self-conscious through the early years of school and struggled to make friends, so we were initially delighted that she had found a close friend. However, we’ve become aware that there is a consistent pattern of control from this girl: demands about when and where they meet, or what our daughter can and can’t wear. If our daughter goes against her, she risks being shunned and ignored or spoken to aggressively.
This girl does not let our daughter interact with others without her. There is a barrage of demanding messages and calls at home about arrangements, and we see our daughter being vigilant and tense, having to respond immediately. Sometimes there is unkindness, for example saying our daughter’s clothes are babyish. Around the controlling behaviour, they seem to interact more normally, having fun, playing and chatting – it is this Jekyll and Hyde pattern that makes it so difficult to know how to support our daughter.
We know this girl has problems with anxiety, and haven’t spoken with her parents, but feel we will have to. Our daughter has become more open about what is going on, and we are trying to support her to be more assertive and to recognise that this controlling behaviour is not OK. She seems to understand and feel this to a degree, but so far is not able to say anything. Sometimes she gets angry with us if we talk about it. We see her feeling powerless and want her to move on from this situation. The girls are about to start secondary school and are in the same class.
What a lot for your daughter to deal with. This is a horrible situation. A word with her new teacher is definitely in order. It’s a shame they are in the same class, because this is a perfect opportunity for your daughter to split from this friend and start anew.
UKCP-registered child and adolescent psychotherapist Ross Cormack was “struck by the feelings of powerlessness you see in your daughter, and these feelings seem to have been replicated in your responses. You’ve grown in awareness in terms of the negative behaviours put on your daughter, yet remain uncertain in how best to respond. Powerlessness can freeze families, which can exacerbate stressful situations as it feels there’s no way out.”
You’ve identified that this girl has anxiety problems (fear makes people want to control situations), but it isn’t your job, nor your daughter’s, to fix that.
It’s great your daughter is speaking to you, but “there is a need for more ‘action’ from you to support and protect your daughter”, said Cormack. “This kind of behaviour needs clear boundaries and expectations. It would be a difficult situation for an adult to manage, so your daughter needs help.”
What’s important is that your daughter doesn’t become more anxious. Also, he said, “talking to her about being assertive locates the solution solely in her, when she doesn’t have the capacity or the confidence to be assertive. I would encourage instead that you think about helping her set clearer boundaries. For example, where is the ‘line’ with phone calls and texts over what’s acceptable?”
I would do this: inform the teacher; try to build my child’s self-esteem; tell her that “no” is a complete sentence, and let her practise saying it in environments she feels safer in.
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Encourage her to invite other friends round and to join clubs her friend doesn’t belong to. Let her know she can always come to you to talk (and be calm when she does), and ensure that when she comes home, her mobile goes on a shelf so she can detach from school. (You may need to model this.) Sometimes our children need us to be the backbone.
I’m not sure about going to the other parents. In my experience, parents tend to think their child is never at fault. Ultimately, your child will learn that no one can or should control her behaviour (not even you) and that controlling isn’t about love or friendship, but about power. And anyone who needs to get power over another person is actually displaying weakness. These are big things for anyone to learn, let alone an 11-year-old, and they may take time. Keep me posted.
You may find these two podcasts useful: How To Motivate Your Child; and The Art of Listening.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
