‘Our first time as swingers was like 50 Shades Of Grey times 100 – it reignited our spark’

Jem and Daz Jones from Dorset decided to spice up their love life and shared how they cope with jealousy, judgement and what their family thinks of their lifestyle

Jem Jones nearly choked on her cup of PG Tips when her partner Daz suggested polyamory. The Dorset couple had been together for five years in 2010, both coming from other marriages, and he thought that bringing in another lover would bring a bit of adventure to the couple’s relationship. “I was intrigued. But I wasn’t ready for it,” Jem says. “While monogamy had never sat easily with me, I didn’t know how I could make it work with another person getting involved.” So Jem turned Daz down, but thought about it for a few years until she decided she was ready to give polygamy a try. That was when Jem, 45, handed him a ticket to a classy private swingers’ party as a Christmas present.

“It definitely was not the Christmas gift he expected,” she says. “Daz was a bit shocked, but we talk about everything, so we talked this through too.” Before they attended the party venue, which had a pool, bar and a “secret dungeon”, they agreed nothing would go further than a kiss. “There are two types of parties, private events and club events. Private events are held at people’s homes and normally involve a smaller group but it depends on the size of the property,” says Jem.

“Our first event we went to was a private event and it was a huge mansion in Somerset. It had a secret door which went to an underground bar and games room, then through to a huge indoor pool. “Below the pool was another secret room which had a sex dungeon. It was our first time ever stepping foot in a sex dungeon and was like 50 shades of grey times 100! “It was huge and we had no idea what half the stuff in there was for but when the party started this was where everyone headed and as we found out, at private meets people aren’t shy about getting down to business. “Other than the bar area there were couples having sex everywhere, some alone some with multiple others. “Our boundary for our first party was that we wouldn’t have sex with anyone else so we just watched from the sideline and tried not to make it obvious how awkward we were feeling.

“The spark between us was like the first night we met,” Jem says. “We could not keep our hands off one another afterwards. “A club event or party is a bit different as clubs tend to have the sex areas out of the way from the general socialising space, either on a separate floor or far away from the main chatting areas. “You could go to a club event and not see any sex if you didn’t want to, which is why we always advise going to club events for newbies.” But after that first party, the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head. “There were definitely feelings of jealousy for Daz afterwards, but we addressed it. This is why it’s so important to have a solid relationship. As a couple you have to be able to communicate your feelings,” Jem says.

Over the next year they attended small parties and, when they felt ready, tried a full swap. “It was a bit daunting, but so much fun. We felt exhilarated afterwards,” Jem remembers. They planned more sex parties, but life intervened. In late 2021 they launched a resin flooring business, which was an exceptionally stressful experience. “Within a year the work and the debt swallowed us. We were losing the business and nearly lost each other,” she says. The pair had matched on Tinder in 2015 and had two children, but after the demoralising experience of losing the business, they struggled.

Remembering what had once reignited their flame, Jem booked a night at members-only swinging club Penthouse Playrooms in Dunstable. “We did not go to sleep with other people. We went to remember why we love each other,” she says. Behind a locked door, with the club soundtrack thumping outside, they re-found the chemistry. “I felt the old us rush back in,” Jem says. Again, they leaned into the lifestyle, this time publicly. “Daz and I look for more of a deeper connection rather than just sex,” she says. Jem, already a life empowerment coach, started training as a sex and relationship coach.

Together they opened an Only Fans page which they found to be the only place they could talk about sex online without being banned. “People think it is just explicit pictures, but for us it is a place to share our journey, speak honestly about desire and offer coaching,” she says. For a while, they were very private about the swinging parties and only told close friends. But as they grew in confidence, they began to talk about their lifestyle more openly. “It was a bit of a shock to family members at first but they see how happy we are and are very supportive and open minded. We want to get people more comfortable talking openly about sex and different relationship dynamics.

“It is still a taboo subject but people are starting to show more interest,” Jem says. The couple now see themselves as “swingamorous”, halfway between swinging and polyamory. “We like to date, build a real bond, then let intimacy follow naturally,” says Jem. They are currently exploring a throuple with another polyamorous woman but insist their home life with their two children feels just like any other family. “Polyamory is not a free-for-all. It is about trust, respect and deeper connection. “People always ask us if we get jealous and yes of course jealousy can still occasionally come up, and if it does we will talk it through. But it is much more rare these days as we have found what works for us.”