As he breaks three eggs into a glass bowl, Lt Columbo tells Joanna Ferris: “I’m the worst cook in the world, but there’s one thing I do terrific, and that’s an omelette.” The episode is Murder By the Book, and Columbo has taken Joanna, the wife of murder victim Jim Ferris, home to save her from more relentless questioning by his colleagues. Of course, we already know it was Jim’s less talented writing partner, naughty Ken Franklin, who did it.
At first, Joanna resists Columbo’s offer of something to eat, but he gently gets on with it, in his trademark raincoat: he cracks the eggs into a bowl, picks out a bit of shell that inadvertently falls into the bowl and asks Joanna where he can get a bowl for the empty shells balanced in his hands. It is a perfect scene and perfect Columbo: bumbling and absolutely certain, attentive to needs and tiny details.
There is also an omelette in the Inspector Morse episode The Wench is Dead, made by DC Adrian Kershaw and served to Morse as they discuss the principles of detection and why the victim caught a boat. Morse notes that the omelette could have more paprika. I know this thanks to Chris Sullivan’s stupendous blog, which since 2014 has been keeping the Morse universe and author Colin Dexter’s legacy alive. Sullivan notes that this omelette is one of the few times we actually see Morse eat, although that is not to say we don’t see him at various tables, including with Dr Laura Hobson and a very nice looking bowl of pasta and bottle of wine in the same episode.
There is no shortage of food consumed by my third favourite detective, although, rather disappointingly, no omelettes, or frittatas, so I turned to something that goes with an omelette, namely the pappanozza made by Salvo Montalbano’s housekeeper, Adelina. The book and episode – La gita a Tindari – is seasonally appropriate and Montalbano (who is investigating the mysterious bond that unites a couple and an unrelated man in the same violent death) comes home to find pappanozza – that is, potatoes and onions boiled until soft, then mashed with a fork and seasoned with salt, olive oil, strong vinegar and plenty of black pepper. Perfect summer food. My partner Vincenzo, who is Sicilian, but sadly not a detective, adds green beans to this champ-like-mix, which I find brilliant, but I acknowledge makes it a different dish, in case anyone was thinking of reporting us to the British consulate for crimes against Sicilian food and Andrea Calogero Camilleri.
If you don’t fancy a three-egg omelette with paprika, this delicious mess of potatoes, green beans and onion is terrific with hard-boiled egg, tuna or sausages, at a table or on a lap in front of any of the three episodes mentioned.
Potatoes, green beans and onion
Serves 4
5 medium waxy potatoes
3 small onions
400g green beans, trimmed
Salt and black pepper
4 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp red-wine vinegar
1 pinch dried oregano
Peel the potatoes and cut them in half. Cut the onions in half, then pull away the skins, leaving the roots intact so the onion halves hold together. Top and tail the beans and cut them in half, too.
Working in a pan big enough to accommodate everything, cover the potatoes with water, add salt and bring to a steady boil for five minutes. Add the onions and continue cooking for 20 minutes, adding the beans after 10; by the end of the cooking, the potatoes should be tender to the point of a knife. Drain everything.
Use scissors to snip away the onion roots, so the onion halves fall into bits, and put these in a shallow bowl along with the potatoes and beans. Use a fork to break up the potatoes and onions – how much you mash depends on what you fancy. Whisk the olive oil and vinegar with a pinch each of dried oregano and salt, then pour the dressing over the vegetables and toss well. Grind over a generous amount of black pepper and serve.
