To paraphrase George Michael, last Christmas my friend gave her sister-in-law a book. The sister-in-law opened it, immediately said, “Oh I’ve already got this,” and handed it back. If you just winced, you are correct.
Common decency dictates that you gratefully receive a jumper, making multiple exclamations of how thrilled you are, even if you’re wearing an identical one as you open it. The very next day, you give it away. That’s how it works, and why charity shops are inundated in December and January. This is the season of goodwill, not honesty – white lies are so festively appropriate, they’re the colour of snow. Ho-ho-hope you kept the receipt, said no one ever.
At this time of year, your nearest and dearest put time, effort, thought and money into trying to find you the perfect present. Most of them will fail in this mission – best case scenario miserably, worst spectacularly. There could be various reasons for this, but almost definitely none of them are that they did it on purpose because they wanted to upset you. And so, you are duty bound to unleash your inner Daniel Day-Lewis – Daniel Christmas Day-Lewis, if you will – and pull off a convincing act of somebody who is pleased with their gift. It’s the least you can do, unless you’re actively trying to upset them right back, in which case: no offence, but it seems like you’re in quite an odd relationship dynamic.
Unusually, this is one area in life where it’s essential that you resist the temptation to tell the truth. Know this beyond all doubt: there is no way to ask if they mind you taking it back to the shop and exchanging it that will not hurt their feelings. Even if they check repeatedly and insist they want to know. Even if you’re gentle, careful, a skilled communicator in every other situation. This is a truly impossible manoeuvre: steer clear. You have been warned.
There are a few dos and don’ts of gifting etiquette everybody should follow, and numero uno is that instead of saying, “Oh, I’ve already got this,” or, “Yuck, I hate this,” you keep stumm and pay it forward. My mum has a basket under her bed, charmingly known as The Grot Box, which is a kind of present purgatory where unwanted items linger before they pass on. For five years, she and my godmother, who apparently employs a similar system, gave each other the same vase, back and forth. It was unclear whether either of them remembered; if they were doing it on purpose, whether it was an accident or a joke. Doesn’t matter. After a while it became a tradition – comforting, sacred.
When first tearing the wrapping paper off a howler, it’s imperative that you don’t give the game away. There’s a three-second danger zone before your brain catches up – concentrate on what you’re doing with your face, or it will betray you. Make like the scouts and be prepared; practise in the mirror if you must. Keep it simple if you’re not confident – blank is better than horrified.
Verbally, there are some failsafe techniques: confused joy (“Ooh! What’s this then?”) or simply a gasp of surprise and happiness. Although don’t go too over the top – you’re not in an am-dram production of When Harry Met Sally. Use these precious moments to give yourself time to think, to compose your followup. It’s important not to overshoot and wreck the foundation you’ve laid by having a crack at an “I love it!” if you’re not going to be able to commit. Far more sensible is a simple, earnest “thank you”. Adding “you really shouldn’t have” is a bold move and definite risk, because this is the one sentence you genuinely mean, so might serve as an example of how you sound when you’re being authentic, by which they can measure the rest.
And then it’s over, and novices may believe they’re out of the woods, rather than being on guard, primed and ready for the other danger zone, post curtain call. Put that bad present in your bag right away. Now. This minute. If you forget it and leave it behind, you’ll have to retrieve it out of politeness and do an encore performance in the cold light of day, without the benefit of the distraction tactics above. Day-Lewis himself wouldn’t attempt that. In fact, perhaps that’s why he keeps retiring from acting, because the entire cast and crew tend to give gifts on the last day of filming, and even he has his limits.
