By now, most major fast food outlets will have launched their festive special. There is no established framework for what “festive” means, and no recognised metrics of Christmassyness. It could be indicated by a lurid green/angry red colour in a place you’re not expecting it (McDonald’s Grumble Pie, I’m looking at you); or an existing thing, made into a more seasonal shape, or the introduction of a quintessential Christmas ingredient, such as a brussels sprout (though seriously, food giants, get over yourself if you think it’s cinnamon – this is an autumn spice).
I am not here to critique the essentials of fast food (I love it). If you want someone who will come over like the critic in Ratatouille, you’re just going to have to go and rewatch Ratatouille. I am merely here to eat six festive specials, and ask myself: do I feel Christmassy, punk?
The Chicken Cranberry Katsu, Wagamama, £15.30
We all know what a katsu curry looks like, right? A mound of rice; simple, breaded fried chicken sliced along each side; with a sweet thick sauce of miso, soy, ginger, honey and other stuff over the whole lot, to create a plate that is defiantly beige and homogenous, a gauntlet to all norms of food presentation. The sheer audacity of tweaking that for Christmas effect, plus the simplicity of the fix – exactly the same curry, with cranberries – were both impressive. My son ate a regular katsu as a control, because he’s a good boy. He said the limited edition was exactly right: they’re trying to convey Christmas spirit, not recreate Christmas dinner. The difference was subtle, unless you don’t like cranberries, in which case it’s like a siren. I do like cranberries. It was fractionally more calorific than the regular version, whereas technically, in order to be festive, a dish has to be 10 times more energy dense, and only 30p more expensive. So you might knock a couple of points off for that, but then give them back, because the first oath of festive variation is “do no harm”.
Festive rating: 4/5
The Festive Bake, Greggs, £2.10
One time my dog found a pristine sausage roll on the pavement, and now every time he sees a Greggs’ bag he gets wildly excited, which I used to laugh at, the eternity of his springing hope, until I realised that I am the same, and ever since the steak bake, I can’t see a lattice pastry pattern without thinking, mmm, I’ll try that. The festive bake is a version of the chicken bake, and, praise be, refrains from substituting in turkey, which unlike every other meat tastes more like itself when it’s mass produced, becoming weirdly disgusting in the process. There are a load of adds: a herb dusting over the top, sage and onion stuffing, bacon, then more sage and cranberry in the white sauce, which sends it a bit grey, but I don’t mind that as much as you’d think. With my back against the wall, I’d say bacon is only Christmassy when proximal to sausage, which would also make the stuffing taste more like stuffing. There’s also no getting around the fact that the steak original is richer and more luxurious.
Festive rating: 3/5
Double Big Tasty meal, £9.49, Grumble Pie, £2.39, both McDonald’s
Guys, the Double Big Tasty meal is a Big Mac! OK, it has a smoky sauce. But it’s a Big Mac! The brass neck of you, McDonald’s. Grumble pie, meanwhile, is green enough that there will be kids who think it’s made of spinach, so good luck with that. This is very close to the classic apple pie format, which is mysteriously good: somehow the gluey, atomically hot fruit never penetrates the crunchy pastry, to create an utterly reliable contrasting mouthfeel, which delights every sense except the ones that are on fire. So now just imagine that with cranberries and custard. And wait for it to cool down a bit, idiot. It does really throw itself into the season with those cranberries, while remaining as delicious as the original apple version. Hard recommend. Would eat again.
Festive rating: The Double Big Tasty is delicious, but 1/5 for Christmas spirit. The Grumble Pie is much better, 4/5
Stuffing Tower Burger Meal, KFC, £9.49
OK, I’m gonna lay this out: the word “stuffing” is not festive of itself, and the flavours sage and onion are in no way automatically reminiscent of Christmas, instead conjuring school dinners and institutions and the depressing feminist 30s novels set in coastal towns. If you want to yell Yule, have you considered a chestnut? I know they’re a bugger to peel, but you’re the Colonel, I believe in you. Having said all that, if you remove the stuffing, this leaves you with a classic tower burger with a cranberry twist, and to refer you back to the Wagamama katsu, that’s exactly where you want to be: in the spirit. An excellent burger. They also do a festive bucket, in which the chief festivity is that it’s massive. Full marks.
Festive rating: 3.5/5
The Total Sleigh Burger, Nando’s, £10.95
It’s very hard to figure out what went on in this development kitchen, unless there were two separate departments, one to do the burger, the other to do the seasonal wordplay – and hats off, you guys, this is fun to say out loud while punching the air. But that’s where Christmas ends. Maybe it’s unfair to single out Nando’s, as you could say the same for almost everyone, but chicken joints are pretty much anti-Christmas. Any other non-turkey joint, you could say, “Oh, we’re doing beef this year,” and people would reply, “How interesting and unusual,” but if you said “We’re doing a chicken,” it would sound as though you’d forgotten until half an hour ago that Jesus was born at all. What would taste like a perfectly serviceable burger with a really nice hot churrasco mayonnaise is vandalised by two bubble and squeak croquettes, in which the sage is overpronounced and the symbolism completely opaque. At a pinch, you could say it had a Boxing Day theme, but realistically, when did you ever associate bubble and squeak with anything, except your dad when he had a hangover?
Festive rating: 1/5
Festive Dozen, Krispy Kreme, £21.99
Krispy Kreme spoils us with their seasonal commitment, since they also launched Quality Street spin-offs last month, in which the caramel swirl was so sweet it made your ears ring (a real thing that happens) and the purple one was actually pretty successful. This festive dozen is more generic Christmas signifiers: a snowman, a Santa tummy, a Christmas tree in which the trunk is a tiny Flake, a classic ring doughnut with a chocolate topping that I guess is some early caveman wreath. You cannot critique them at the level of the filling, since indeterminate buttercream and cream cheese are evergreen. You really have to just look at them as an ensemble and, yup, that’s Christmas alright.
Festive rating: 5/5
