Scott, 42
I put off meeting Maria because of my insecurities about how I looked, after my illness. But once we met, I wanted to spend all my time with her
When I slid into Maria’s DMs, saying something like, “You seem intriguing – sending love and light,” I wasn’t expecting anything to come from it. I’d had an ongoing illness since my early 20s, had lost a lot of weight and become reclusive. But something in me was changing; I’d decided to come off the medication I’d been on for years, hoping to improve my health so I had the energy to push myself out of my isolated state.
I put off meeting Maria because of my insecurities about how I looked, after my illness. But once we met, I wanted to spend all my time with her. I hadn’t had sex in 15 years and had almost forgotten what it felt like. But sex with Maria – slow and sensual, with lots of kissing and touching – was completely different to the sex I’d had in my 20s. It was the kind of sex I’d always wanted but never had.
Still, there was an imbalance; Maria was a working mum, while I wasn’t working, which caused tension. She would push me away, wanting to be with someone who could relate to what was going on in her life and support her. To become that, I needed to be in a position, physically and mentally, where I could work again. Not long after meeting Maria, my health rebounded almost miraculously. Stopping medication helped me gain 23kg, my strength returned, and I got a job, which made our relationship more equal.
It felt so good to be having sex again after such a long time, and with a beautiful woman I felt passionately about, that I wanted to have it almost every time we saw each other. As a working mother, Maria didn’t have the energy for that, and resented not being able to be present for her daughter in the way she wanted to be. Sex was off the table when her daughter was around, and Maria’s interest in a slower, non-goal-oriented Tantric approach, where we just breathe and touch each other, sometimes with our clothes on, didn’t seem the best use of the time we had. I became frustrated that my needs weren’t being met.
Maria suggested we take a three-month break. I used the time to focus on my career and work on myself, and our relationship is stronger since we got back together a month ago. Although I’d love to build a life together, and hope one day we will, I’m realising that Maria’s need for us to have our own lives is healthy, especially when I’m still rebuilding mine.
Maria, 35
With my daughter’s father, I felt neglected, rejected and invisible. But Scott makes me feel valued, appreciated and sexy
Around the time Scott DM’d me, I was sharing a bedroom with my five-year-old daughter and hadn’t had sex in five years. After I suggested we move the conversation to WhatsApp, we started messaging constantly. I craved being with him, and felt as if I missed his body, even though we hadn’t met yet.
When we eventually met three months later, I felt a disconnect between the person in front of me and who I’d got to know over the phone. He was like a ghost in the world, and it scared me – as a mother, I couldn’t risk getting into a relationship with the wrong person. Online he was great company, but in reality, he couldn’t walk properly and was in pain. Everything seemed much more real and complicated. But when I pulled back, he pushed forward.
The first time we had sex, it felt so natural. Scott was what I’d always dreamed of: attentive, caring, open‑minded, curious. I’d had sexual relationships since I was 16, but I never felt satisfied the way I do with Scott. In my relationship with my daughter’s father, I felt neglected, rejected and invisible. But Scott makes me feel valued, appreciated and sexy.
I wished we could spend hours in bed together, but I had to get up for work and make my daughter breakfast. When she was at her dad’s, Scott and I would explore Tantra and kink. But when that kind of sex left me feeling drained, I started to set boundaries.
When I suggested three months without sex, I wanted space to re-energise. The break gave us the reset we needed. We’re both more present, and there’s more communication before, during and after sex. I’ve asked Scott to check in before initiating, so I can pause to see if it’s truly what I want, and that mindful consent makes me feel more connected to him. So now, instead of feeling drained after sex, I feel nourished.
