The prosecution: Haile
I’m being treated like a sad case, but I am fine by myself. I’m not interested in dating at the moment
I am not anti-love. I’ve been in relationships, but I’m currently the only single friend in my girls group and I’m being treated like a sad case.
I’m not interested in dating at the moment, especially after breaking up with someone a year ago. But my best friend, Whitney, keeps telling me to get back in the saddle. I know she’s just looking out for me, but sometimes I think it’s more about what suits her than what’s right for me.
Whitney thrives in relationships. She’s what I’d call a serial dater. As soon as one relationship ends, another is waiting in the wings. But I, on the other hand, am fine by myself. I broke up with my ex as we had drifted apart. He was only my second boyfriend. It was hard at first, but then I began to love my own company again. This is the first time in ages when I’ve felt genuinely calm, with no compromises.
Whitney said she wants me to date so I can be more included in her life. She loves hosting couples’ dinner parties. But couples aren’t the only people who can go to dinner parties.
Then there’s the whole kids conversation. She’ll drop comments like: “Don’t leave it too long, Haile.” I think it’s because I once said I wanted kids with my ex, but who knows now?
Maybe it’s because we’re from quite Christian east African families. But we are 28 and I hear enough of this from my mum. I don’t need it from a friend as well, even if it’s well-meaning.
Whitney has tried to be my matchmaker with her boyfriend’s friends, but I find that embarrassing. At the moment, it’s like I’ve switched off the part of my brain reserved for dating. I don’t know when it will switch back on, or if I even want it to.
I don’t want to date someone just because it’s convenient,
and I don’t need rescuing. I love my friends and family, but if I hear one more person ask, “How’s your love life?” I will lose it. Why do single people always have to explain their lives?
I don’t see being single as being stuck in a waiting room. It’s a choice.
The defence: Whitney
Haile’s happiest when she’s in love. I’m glad she’s found peace, but I worry she’s closing herself off
I’ve known Haile since we were 16, so I’ve seen her at her happiest, which is when she’s in love. After her breakup, she went through a tough patch and now she’s hyper-independent, which isn’t great, in my opinion. She has her own place and car, and says: “What do I need a partner for?” But I remember how happy she was when she was looked after by her ex. I am glad she’s found peace now, and I admire that she has become so self-sufficient, but sometimes I think she’s confusing comfort with contentment.
It’s true that I was a serial dater, but now I am in a happy relationship. I want Haile to be in one too, because then we can socialise more. Her ex was really good friends with my current boyfriend, and it just made everything better for everyone. I did invite Haile to one of my recent dinner parties, but she said she didn’t want to go because she wouldn’t know anyone.
When I said Haile would benefit socially from having a partner, I didn’t mean to suggest she’s not enough on her own – I just meant that I miss seeing her out there flirting and having fun. I set her up with a few mutual friends because I thought she might enjoy it. I accept that it might have made her feel pressured.
And my comment about kids came from concern, not judgment. I know she wants children one day, as we spoke about that growing up, and she recently talked about it when she was with her ex. Maybe I push too hard because I know she’s worth so much.
If she’s genuinely happy on her own, then of course I need to respect that. I just want her to have the best life. I do get that it’s annoying for single people to be asked about their love lives, but it’s an increasingly hot topic for women approaching 30. When I see Haile pulling back from the idea of love altogether, I worry she’s closing herself off from something amazing.
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The jury of Guardian readers
Should Whitney back off?
Whitney claims that she wants what’s best for Haile – well, it’s Haile herself who knows what that is. If it means being single, then so be it. Whitney, try to make your parties more inclusive. Good friendship doesn’t have to be influenced by romantic status.
Jakub, 33
Whitney wants what she thinks is best for Haile, but Haile doesn’t agree, and her friend needs to respect that. Haile may have been outwardly upbeat in a relationship, but it sounds like she’s inwardly fulfilled in her current state. Whitney needs to learn that her perspective isn’t universal.
Oscar, 22
Whitney thinks she’s coming from a place of care, but Haile has made it clear she is happy with her life and that should be enough for her friends. Haile has plenty of time to find a partner and have children (if that’s what she wants).
Youssra, 28
Haile is clear about her current choice. Whitney’s advice sounds like it comes from what suits Whitney best. She should appreciate that there are already enough societal pressures on Haile and support her friend.
Julie, 67
I understand where Haile is coming from, but I think Whitney is looking out for her friend. She may do it a bit clumsily sometimes, but it comes from a place of love. Our friends should try to set us up – that’s the fun part of friendship and of life!
Anna, 45
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Whitney stop playing matchmaker?
The poll closes on Wednesday 10 December at 9am GMT
Last week’s results
We asked whether Hamad should stop compressing the coffee in the moka pot?
85% of you said yes – Hamad is guilty
15% of you said no – Hamad is not guilty
